Some funny jokes - Page 2

[ahihihi...]

ahihihi.. is it okay to add picture on this thread?

[Robdale]

A man sitting in a bar was complaining to his friend that he was still single. His friend asked him how this could happen. He answered, "Well, I'm looking for the perfect woman, I'm not going to settle for the first one that comes along."

After a couple of weeks they meet again in the same bar, and the friend informes about his progress on his search. He said, "I've found the perfect woman." The friend replies, "So why are you looking so unhappy?" He replied, "She was looking for the perfect man.

[GrimJack]

Not really a joke but...:
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

[Ene Uran]

Q: "When will Microsoft make a product that doesn't sugg?"
A: "When they start making vacuum cleaners."

Q: "What did Bill's wife say to him on their wedding night?"
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

[Robdale]

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
==============================================

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

[ahihihi...]

Q: "What did Bill's wife say to him on their wedding night?"
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

ahihihiihih.. (lol) I like those lines..

Girls are trying to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect, do you know that? Men don't try to be perfect for us. We're lucky if they shower.. ahihihiihihihi..

[sneekula]

Judge: "I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: "Uh, yes. "
Judge: "All right, tell me, how do I know you?"
Defendant: "Judge, do I have to tell you? "
Judge: "Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me."
Defendant: "Okay. I am your bookie."

[ahihihi...]

A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it.
"Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

[Robdale]

Wife asks her husband "after my death what u will do"?
Husband replies "even i will die my dear".
Wife says "y r u talking like that?".
Husband says "My happiness will kill me".

[Norbert X]

I've got one.
Do you want to know a joke? Women's Rights.

Heh I heard this one in class today.

[Norbert X]

A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it.
"Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

I've heard that one but differently. The kid is pissed and he kicks a pig so he doesn't get bacon for a week. He then kicks a chicken so he doesn't get eggs for a week. His father comes downstairs and kicks the cat, and that's when he asks his mom "Will you tell him or should I?"

[Robdale]

Not much different, but its ok. Still funny.

[Norbert X]

Yeah in case anyone didn't get the punchline with the cat it's meant to be pussy

[ahihihi...]

Three baseball fans are walking home from a game at friendly Fenway Park.
One is wearing a Red Sox cap, the second one is wearing an Indians cap, and the third one is wearing a Yankees cap.
As they are walking down Commonwealth Avenue, they see a pair of legs sticking out from under a bush. Upon further inspection, they find that it is a totally naked dead woman.
A crowd starts to gather before the police arrive, so they decide to give the woman some vestige of dignity. The first one places his Red Sox cap over her left breast. The second one places his Indians cap over her right breast. The third one places his Yankees cap over her crotch.
The police arrive to investigate. The detective picks up the Red Sox cap for a moment, takes a quick look, writes a few things in his notepad, then puts the cap back on her breast. He picks up the Indians cap, takes a quick look, writes a few things in his notepad, then puts the cap back on her other breast. He picks up the Yankees cap, takes a quick look, starts to write in his notepad, but stops and scratches his head for a moment, with a puzzled look on his face. Then he kneels down real close, sticks his fingers in the womans crotch, spreading it open and staring.
Now one of the baseball fans yells at him: “Hey, what are you some kind of pervert?”
To this the officer replies: “Oh, no, of course not. I just need to double check because every other Yankees cap I’ve ever seen had an @SSHOLE under it!”
Q: What is the difference between a New York Yankees fan and a New York Rangers fan?
A: The type of stick he has up his @ss!

Q: Why should you never run over a Yankee fan on a bicycle?
A: Chances are it your bike!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Q: What did the Yankees fan use for birth control?
A: His personality!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Q: How do you make a Yankee fan laugh on Monday?
A: Tell him a joke on Friday!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Albert Einstein is at a party and asks one of the guests, “What is your IQ”
“165”
“Great, we can talk about nuclear physics and cosmology”
After a few minutes of lively discourse, another party guest tries to get in on the conversation.
Einstein asks him, “What is your IQ”
“64”
To which Einstein replies: “GO YANKEES!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A teacher asks her students if they are Yankees fans.
One of them says, “No, my Dad is a Red Sox fan, my Mom is a Red Sox fan, so I’m a Red Sox fan.”
So the teacher says, “Well, that’s not very good; if your mother and father were both morons, would that make you a moron too?”
“No, that would make me a New York Yankees fan.”

[sneekula]

The manager of a large law office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

[vmanes]

Tom retired in his early 50’s and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers.”

Tom replied, “Yes, sir, I know. I’m sorry, but I am working on It.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” his boss said. “However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired from the United States Air Force, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn’t that correct?”

“Yes. I did retire from the Air Force, and I’m mighty proud of it!” said Tom.

“Well, what did they say when you came in late?” asked his boss.

“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”

[sneekula]

A couple were going out for the evening. They were ready, even had the dog put outside. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes into the house again to fetch the dog.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "My husband is just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab somewhat out of breath.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed, and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me, as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shidd in the vegetable garden either!"

[ahihihi...]

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.

[chriswellings]

little johny was playing in his billy cart on a hill near his house he flew down the hill yelling out and laughing the hole way down when he got to the bottom he turned around and started to push his billy cart back up yelling out Fck this fckn that he finally got to the top and did the same thing again down the hill.
as he turned around to push it back up the hill he started to swear again and the local preist who overheard johnny cursing said,
johnny you shouldnt swear jesus can hear you he is everywere
johnny thaught about this for a minute and then says to the preist ok then is jesus in that house over there ?
the preist says yes johnny he is .
johnny says ok then is he in that tree over there ?
the preist said yes johnny he is every were.
johnny says ok then last one is jesus in my billy cart?
and the preist said yes he is everywere.
so johhny said well tell the bastard to get out and help fkn push

[chriswellings]

little johnny is sitting on the corner playing with some sulphuric acid

he was pooring it on some ant watching the burn and sizzle having a fat old time when the preist walks by and says johnny dont play with that its dangerous play with this

this is holy water yesterday i poured this on a womens stommach and she passed a baby...

johnny said ha thats fkn nothing yesterday i pourd this on a cats ass and it passed a fkn motorbike

ps sorry if all the cursing offends

[chriswellings]

how manny psyhcopaths does it take to change a lightbulb?

nobody knows cause they kill all the witnesses and deny ever changing the lightbulb to begin with

a man is driving down an old country road in outback aus when he passes a pub with a sighn that reads : FREE BEER TO WHOEVER CAN MAKE THIS DONKEY STOP CRYING!!!
curious the man pulls over and goes inside and enquires about the sighn,
the barman says this donkey mate he just wont stop crying if you can make him stop (and within reason) i dont care how ya do it ill give ya free beer all night or until you cant drink anymore..
the man thinks about it for a minute and then says ok ill give it a go.
he walks outside and whispers into the donkeys ear and all of a sudden the donkey bursts out laughing.
proud of himself the man walks back into the bar and the barman is astounded but as he stated earlier he would give the man free beer

the next day the man drives off and doesnt come back past for about 2 weeks when he sees a sighn that reads FREE BEER TO ANYWONE WHO CAN MAKE THIS DONKEY STOP LAUGHING so the man walks in and says to the barman ill make that donkey stop laughing the barman was a bit hessitant but agrees anyway soon enuf the donkey is in tears again and the man walks back inside the bar the barman poors him a beer and asks how he did it

the man replied well last time to stop him laughing i told him i had a bigger Dic than him

this time i proved it

[sneekula]

Q: "What do you call kids born in a house of ill repute?"
A: "Brothel sprouts."

[chriswellings]

lol nice one..... brothel sprouts

[chriswellings]

this was sent to me in a email

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

[vegaseat]

If you're ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream.

[ahihihi...]

This is the Mr. Homer Simpsons' lines.. Enjoy reading! Ahihihi:TWISTED:

No,please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids,eat them.

"Press any key to continue, where's the any key?"

Oh, man! We killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

I hope I didn't brain my damage...

I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold... and eaten

.

If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.

[Grn Xtrm]

Great work with the Simpson quotes. That show is so funny and should be watched by all.

[vegaseat]

Well, how about a funny quote?

In Heaven all the interesting people are missing.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

[GrimJack]

In heaven there is no espresso, hence no waiting for espresso - some French philosopher, I forget which.

[gstanley]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

SNIP