Jokes - Page 3

[woooee]

Last bad joke, by me anyway. What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other. Eileen

[vegaseat]

Fact:
add two even numbers together and you get an even number
add two odd numbers together and you get an even number
the only way to get an odd number is to add an even number to an odd one

Shouldn't there be more even numbers than odd numbers?

[Reverend Jim]

When you add numbers you don't generate new numbers, you just get an already existing number. Why would there be more even than odd numbers? You might as well say that since there are an infinite number of primes and an infinite number of integers that there are the same number of primes as integers. Therefore every number is prime.

[ddanbe]

Ha, infinity, a strange beast.
But I guess AD would not mind if we stay on topic.

So:

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.

The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."

The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

[HiHe]

Do not look into the laser beam with your remaining eye!

[almostbob]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, Mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack.
I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.
I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!”
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”.
He began his series of questions.
Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”.
Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”.
Tower: “Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??”
Aircraft: “Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar.”

[Reverend Jim]

This is an oldie that makes me laugh when I visualize it, mostly when I visualize Foster Brooks as the drunk, however, I am not sure what is funnier anymore, the joke or remembering how my older son always horribly mangles it whenever he tries to tell it (OK. Watching him tell it is actually funnier than the joke).

A drunk is sitting in his favourite bar when he sees this totally average dude leave his seat and walk over to the bar. He picks up a drink then leans over and says something in the ear of the most beautiful woman in the place. Her reaction is a little surprised and when the man returns to his seat, she walks over and starts talking with him. After 30 minutes they leave together. The drunk is amazed that such an average man is able to pick up such a babe.

The next night the drunk sees the same routine with the same average looking dude but with a different babe. This goes on several nights in a row. Finally, out of curiosity, the next night the drunk approaches the man before he begins his routine. He says "I've been (hic) watching you night after night picking up the-these beautiful women and I gotta a-ask, how does a guy like you score wi-with these babes?"

The man replies "it's all a matter of breaking the ice. When I go to pick up my drink I say to the woman, 'Tickle your a$$ with a feather'. Then I walk away. Most times the woman will come back to me with one of two reactions. The first is a very indignant, 'I beg your pardon?'. In that case I reply 'I said, typical nasty weather'. After that she is usually embarrassed at her over-reaction at misunderstanding me and the ice is broken."

"However, if she comes over and says, 'Sounds kinda kinky, let's do it.' then the ice is definitely broken and after that it's smooth sailing."

So the next night the drunk picks out a lovely lady alone at the bar, staggers over, burps in her ear and says 'stick a-a feather up your a$$'.

The woman replies with indignation, "I beg your pardon", to which the drunk replies "bloody cold out, ain't it".

[HiHe]

Q: "How many Managers does it take to change a lightbulb?"
A: "None, they like to keep their underlings in the dark."

[HiHe]

I'm a programmer, and I go out with plenty of hot chicks.

[HiHe]

Richard Stallman:
"God told me that with EMACS I have programmed the best editor in the world!"

Linus Torvalds:
"Well, God told me that with LINUX I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"

Donald Knuth:
"Wait, wait, I never said any of that."

[sneekula]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.

PROGRAMMER: It heard that they paid better on the other side.

[<M/>]

@sneekula, DARWIN: Evolution and natural selection

[almostbob]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”

[RobertHDD]

Vodka Joke
Capacity of vodka in IT style
0.10l - Demo Version
0.25l -trial Version
0.50l -personal edition
0.70l professional edition
1.00l network edition
1.75l enterprise
3.00l for small businesses
5.00l corporate edition
Bucket of Vodka - EXTREME EDITION!
Sea of Vodka - GLOBAL EDITION
Homemade vodka - HOME EDITION
One More - Service Pack
Kefir in the morning - Recovery tool
Appetizer - Plugins
Beer - patch
coke a cola/fanta 7UP - viruses trojans

[RobertHDD]

Wikipedia says i know everything
Google says I have Everything
Facebook Says I know everybody
Internet says without me your nothing
electricity says Keep talking bitches

[RobertHDD]

An Administrators has 2 problems
Smart Users
Dumb Users

An the F5 Joke
I love pressing F5 its so refreshing.

[RobertHDD]

A man from the toilet shouts out to his wife darling darling do you hear me?!!!
Wife: Did you run out of toilet paper?
Husband: No restart the router Please!

[RobertHDD]

A computer engineer was asked by his five year old son
Son: What is windows 95
Well its a 32bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally encoded for a 4bit microprocessor written by a 2 bit company that can stand 1 bit of competition!

Another Joke
I wish I could change the world but wont give me the source code

[RobertHDD]

Which way did the programmer go
He went data way!

[RobertHDD]

Waht is another name for intel inside

The warning label (Intel Inside......fool is outside

[Warrens80]

Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the man for killing an endangered species. In court, the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?” “Well, Your Honor,” the hiker replies, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

[almostbob]

A recent article in the West Australian reported that a woman, Mrs.Maynard, has sued Royal Perth Hospital, stating in her claim that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman stated:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct his eyesight"

[almostbob]

My Dentist is female,
I go just for the novelty of having a woman tell me to open my mouth

[almostbob]

Do you think the Queen
ever
pulls the doona up to her chin and says
"Look Phillip, I'm a stamp"

[almostbob]

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once, by mistake. Call 555 5555

[almostbob]

I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat.

To top it off, it was raining so I couldn't go for a walk, bike or run.

The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn't go anywhere in the car.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remember that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

[almostbob]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast...the mime next door went nuts - Stephen Wright

[almostbob]

A woman goes into labor at a very modern hospital.
The doctor says, we have a new pain transfer device that can let the father take some of the pain away from the mother, but I have to warn you even 10% is pretty bad on a man.

The husband says, I have a high pain threshold let me have it.

The doctor sets the machine at 10% and the husband says, that's not bad give me 25%. He takes that and says go ahead up to 50%. No problem go to 75%, not bad go to 100% The baby is born and the doctor tells the husband that is twice what any other husband has endured, it would kill most men.

The man goes home and finds the mailman, dead on the front porch.

[Lardmeister]

The biggest loser at our weight-loss club was an old lady. We asked her how she did it. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out three hours earlier."

[Lardmeister]

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for hours, he finally arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked for his identification to verify his age and, after looking in his pockets, he realized that he'd left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and get it?" he asked.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

He opened his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair."That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," she said and processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, the man told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office, and she said "You should have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for disability, too."