Jokes

[Ancient Dragon]

A cat has 9 lives -- what has more than 9 lives?

Answer:

Frogs because they croak every night. (Duck Dynasty)

[ddanbe]

Adam and Eve walk through paradise. Adam said to Eve, "Do you actually love me?", In which Eva replied: "Of course, who else?".

[ddanbe]

What is the ultimate in automation?
A stewardess who gets pregnant by the autopilot.

[DavidB]

If you want a laugh, and don't mind some potty humour, some of the reviews on Amazon are pretty funny too. Here is a link I received from a member of the Pasadena IBM Users Group (PIBMUG) some time ago:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000EVQWKC/?tag=PIBMUG-20

The Questions and Answers, and quotes, are funny, but I think the funniest content for this product page are the Customer Reviews. The first one is the funniest, but several of the rest are pretty good too.

I laughed my head off a couple times.

[vmanes]

Microsoft Help

[vegaseat]

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down.
The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdkCjfdLk jk3s d#f67howeU r89nvyowmc63Dz x7xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

[vegaseat]

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

[vegaseat]

At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the
participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of
programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how
many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to
stay onboard. With his team's software, he reasoned, the plane was unlikely
to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

[Ancient Dragon]

Wife to husband: Do you rememember last month when two men tried to kidnap me?

Husban: Yes, and an hour later they returned you with their apologies

Wife: I only reasoned with them.

(Diablo 3)

[Reverend Jim]

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench across from a house. They watch as two people go into the house, and then a little later, three people walk out.

The physicist says, "The initial measurement was incorrect."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

And the mathematician says, "If exactly one person enters that house, it will be empty."

[vegaseat]

Q: "What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?"
A: "Bo Derek getting older."

[GrimJack]

The baby sitter showed up for the evening watching the couples grandfather. They went over all the details with the sitter, said goodbye to their grandfather and went out to dinner. So the babysitter was watching TV with GF who was sitting in the middle of the couch all stiff and proper. Suddenly, GF started to lean to the left so the babysitter propped him up with some pillows. Some time passed and GF started to lean to the right so the babysitter got some more pillow and propped him up on the right. They watched tv for a couple hours when the couple came home; they paid the babysitter and sat down the GF and asked him how the evening was. He replied that all in all it was a pretty good evening but the babysitter wouldn't let him fart.

[G_Waddell]

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed...

[ddanbe]

A logician's wife is having a baby.
The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the father.
His wife asks impatiently: " So, is it a boy or a girl"?
The logician replies: "Yes."

[vmanes]

A large two locomotive Amtrak train was crossing the country. After
they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No
problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the remaining engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and he made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck
here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the
train and not an airplane."

[ddanbe]

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

[Ancient Dragon]

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

I don't get it.

[iamthwee]

Not many people would get it, it is a number system joke I'm guessing.

[Reverend Jim]

octal 31 = decimal 25

reminds me of the anagram

eleven plus two = twelve plus one

[Philippe.Lahaie]

a woman asks her husband to go to the grocery store, her instructions are :

-buy milk
-if there are eggs, buy six

suprisingly she got mad when he got home with 6 bottles of milk!

[ckide]

Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.

[ddanbe]

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

[vegaseat]

Six engineers, 3 working for Apple, 3 working for Microsoft, were all traveling on a train to a conference.
The Apple engineers bought three tickets and sat down on their seats, and got comfy, the Microsoft engineers
however, bought one ticket, so the Apple engineers asked them "How on earth are all three of you going to ride
on this train with one ticket?" The Microsoft engineers replied, "Wait and see ..."

When it came to the time for the conductor to check the tickets, the Microsoft engineers all darted to the bathroom.
The conductor knocked on the door, "Tickets please" and they passed the one ticket under the door, and the conductor
looked at it and went on.

The Apple engineers were impressed by this, and decided to do the same on the journey back. So the apple engineers
bought one ticket, but this time the Microsoft engineers didn't buy one at all. The apple engineers enquired as to how,
and the Microsoft engineers said "Wait and see ..."

As they could hear the conductor come down the aisle, both groups darted off to their respective toilet, a short while later
one of the Microsoft engineers left the cubicle, ran to where the apple engineers were, knocked on the door and said
"Tickets please!" He of course kept the ticket and used it for the Microsoft group.

[KrYPt0NiTE™]

What's the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has dates and you don't. :p

[Reverend Jim]

A travelling salesman drives into a farmer's yard. As he gets out of the car, he notices a three-legged pig walking through the lawn. When the farmer comes out to greet him, the salesman says "I wanted to show you our latest catalog, but I couldn't help noticing you have a three-legged pig."

The farmer replies, "let me tell you about that pig. Last fall I was ploughing the north forty when the back wheels got stuck in the mud. The tractor flipped and pinned me underneath. I woulda died for sure but that pig saw what happened, ran back to the house and squealed until my wife came outside. She came and found me under the tractor and called for help. That pig saved my life."

The salesman says, "great story, but why does he only have three legs?"

"Let me tell you about that great pig", the farmer says again. "Just this spring we all went to bed early. My wife forgot to turn off the stove and when a breeze blew the curtains over the stove they caught fire. That pig smelled the smoke and squealed until we all woke up. We put out the fire and saved the house. That pig saved all our lives."

One more time the salesman says "yeah, but why does he have three legs?"

The farmer replies, "hey, a great pig like that you don't want to eat all at once."

[ckide]

A C and a C++ walk into a bar.
The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"

[Borzoi]

I want to tell a joke about UDP but I don't know if you'll get it.

[<M/>]

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

[<M/>]

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, that's a hardware problem

[<M/>]

so this programmer goes out on a date with a hot chick...