Jokes - Page 4

[Lardmeister]

Q: "What is the best thing about being senile?"

A: "You can hide your own Easter eggs."

[Lardmeister]

Pickup lines that programmers use:

Wow! Are those real?

There's something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it.

You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

We have computers to do that for us.

[davijhon]

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: yes i am, i married the wrong women.

[vegaseat]

A group of software folks take a trip through the mountains when the car's brakes fail and they end up in a ditch. The software analyst amongst them suggests: "Let's push the car out of the ditch and see if it does it again!"

[vegaseat]

A man walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The mixologist says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The man says "In that case, better make it a double."

[vegaseat]

About time for a blonde joke ...
A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driver's license.
The motorist digs around in her purse but can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home, officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?"

The motorist searches her purse again and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself."

The cop says, "Let me see." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I'd known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

[almostbob]

A husband and his wife went to the Doctor to discuss a problem. The Doctor took the husband in first.
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.
He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said - OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.

Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the husband - You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you.
I couldn't get an erection either!!

[almostbob]

Last night I saw a hypnotist, brilliant, until .. ..

He hypnotised 7 men, then he dropped a big mic stand on his foot and yelled
F__K ME!
what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

[vegaseat]

Don't use the joystick without the latest drivers.

[ddanbe]

My wife asked, "What are you going to do today?"
I said, "Nothing."
She said, "You did that yesterday too."
I said, "But I'm not done yet."

[Ene Uran]

My feet are smelling
My nose is running
I park in my driveway
I drive on a parkway

[Ene Uran]

If a driverless car gets into a bad accident, who will appear in court? The car?

[ddanbe]

Driverless cars will be soo good they never cause accidents, after update 23.12.01 of the software . . .and it is freed of all possible viri and the security system is as such, it can't get hacked . . .

Help! Someone hacked my car, I wanted to go to New York and it's taking me to Los Angeles!!! Help!

[Reverend Jim]

What if the driverless car is in an accident that it didn't cause?

[happygeek]

No car is driverless if my mother-in-law is a passenger...

[Ene Uran]

Efforts are on the way to have the country of Belgium renamed to Belgistan.

[ddanbe]

DISCUSSION LOGICS:

A woman will always have the last word in a discussion.
Everything a man says afterwards, is by definition, the start of a new discussion.

[vegaseat]

Engineer's Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

 1.  532.35 cm3 gluten
 2.  4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
 3.  4.9 cm3 refined halite
 4.  236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
 5.  177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
 6.  177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
 7.  4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
 8.  Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
 9.  473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.  236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat
transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two
and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with
a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five,
six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add
ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous
mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten
slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in
the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of
an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a
period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order
rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the
reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table,
allowing the product to come to equilibrium. ...........

[vegaseat]

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

[vegaseat]

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

[vegaseat]

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it
says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

[ddanbe]

MATHEMATICAL ALTERATION:

A women marries with the idea, that the man will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries with the hope, that the women won't change, but she does.

[DaveAmour]

I've been happily maried for 6 years.

Miserable for the oher 4.

[DaveAmour]

Worlds shortest joke

Dwarf Shortage

[DaveAmour]

Road signs are polilte these days.

Beware Deer

[DaveAmour]

My grandfather has been ill recently so we rubbed lard on his back but then he went downhill really fast.

[Reverend Jim]

Dave, a contract programmer, asks his friend, Bob, to look after his cat while he is out of town for a few weeks on a contract. Everything is going well until one day when Dave receives a text message stating "your cat's dead". Dave is devastated and when he gets home he finds out that the cat died after falling off the roof. He tells Bob that he should have been more tactful in preparing him for the bad news. When Bob asks, "how?", Dave replies...

First you send me a text saying "the cat's on the roof". Then you can send one saying "the cat fell off the roof". After that you can say "the cat's at the vet". Once I have those messages I am prepared for "the cat died".

Bob apologizes. The next time Dave is out of town on contract he gets a text from Bob saying "your mother's on the roof".

[RikTelner]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhHy2C6IUAESE0m.png:large

I just put it here.

[vegaseat]

Buy corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

[jkon]

A classic old one :

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."